Wow, This Growing Up Stuff is Hard!

If you can’t see what it is, it’s something scary or gross!

My clothing options being dictated by my mother sometimes included a “protective” component.  The pajamas with feet were one example of this.  I hated pajamas with feet!  I had to put my feet in there with no visual confirmation that there was nothing objectionable there.  My mother wanted me to stay warm if I kicked the covers off.  I always thought, hey, if I kick the covers off maybe I’m too warm!  Nevertheless, despite my feeble objections my mother continued to make me wear them.  Being educated by Zorro in the art of keeping secrets, I devised a survival plan.  After my mom would leave, I would take my pajamas off, put them under the covers way at the bottom of my bed and sleep like a baby.  Then in the morning, I would slip them back on and my mom wouldn’t know a thing. It was a great plan. 

Well, it was a great plan until the night my mom changed her mind and decided to let me stay up later than usual to watch I Love Lucy.  She came back into my room and gave me the great news.   I had the covers pulled way up to my neck so she tried to pull them down for me.  I resisted and while gazing off into the distance said I didn’t want to stay up late.  She didn’t believe me so she pulled off the covers anyway.  She let out a gasp and asked me where my pajamas were.  I said, “I don’t know.” 

It wasn’t exactly a lie!

She pulled the covers down the rest of the way and there were the pajamas.  I started to cry and told her that I hated those pajamas!  There were “things” in the feet that bothered me.  She asked me why I hadn’t just told her I didn’t like them.  My five-year-old brain did a review of my memories and was sure that I had told her, but I knew there was no point in arguing.  Besides, she seemed open to banning the hated garments from my life so I just said, “I don’t know.” 

It wasn’t exactly a lie.  So I got to see I Love Lucy and I got new pajamas. 

The fear of unseen things extended to swimming in bodies of water, which were not crystal clear.  If you couldn’t see what was touching you it had to be scary or gross or both!  No amount of coaxing worked.  Even if I was hot and wanted to cool down like everyone else there was no way I was going to risk being touched by unknown things.  My dad kept trying to convince me there was nothing to be afraid of.  I tried to tell him that Zorro wasn’t afraid; Zorro just knew that there were some situations that were to be avoided but he kept trying. To this day, I do not swim in oceans, lakes, streams, or ponds.  In short, if it’s close to nature I’m not going in.  My motto is, “I don’t get back to nature; I get back to the Hotel!” 

 The Evolution of Fears

As years went by and I got older, my mother shared with me her love of science fiction, mystery shows and horror movies.  We watched Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, and more.  I loved them!  Being a storyteller now, I’ve come to understand what attraction this holds for people, especially children (once they have that what’s real and what’s not thing figured out.)  Watching a movie, reading a story, or hearing a scary story in a safe environment gives you a sense of control and even victory over fear. 

However, if you are listening to the sounds of the movie from your bedroom it can be terrifying.  I remember the first time I “heard” The Day the Earth Stood Still.”  I wasn’t allowed to stay up to watch the movie with my family, for reasons I do not know.  I was in my bed listening to this eerie and dramatic music so I did what I normally did, I started imagining what was happening.  My imagination went wild and I couldn’t sleep well for weeks afterwards! 

The same thing happened some years later while I was “listening” to an episode of the “Outer Limits.”  In this episode, this little girl had disappeared through the wall into another dimension and couldn’t get back.  She could hear her mother calling but she couldn’t see her.  That was good for quite a few nightmares!  Had I been in the living room snuggled up with my mom I believe I would have been able to conquer the fear by seeing what was actually happening as well as my mother’s reaction to it. 

After all, if you can’t see it….

We deal with those childhood fears and then replace them with grown up fears.  “What’s the worst that can happen?” changes from a monster showing up at your house (or being under your bed) into different kinds of “what-if’s.  Take, for instance, the Twilight Zone episode about the guy who loves to read.  Just like me!  He loves to read, but never gets the time to do so.  He wears these thick glasses and has a boss and family that will not let him spend time doing what he loves. One day a terrible disaster occurs and he is the only one left alive on Earth.  He is at the library at the time of the disaster. When he realizes he now has an infinite amount of time to read he rejoices.  He jumps for joy, his glasses fall off and in searching for them he crushes them.  I still get shivers when I think about that.  I spent a lot of time reading as I grew up and found not being able to read a terrifying thought.  It could really happen.   

Dracula and Frankenstein did not really exist but terrible misfortune and injustice did.